Sleeping Beauty: A Satire
by Emi-Lea Deschanel
Summary: A dozen Sleeping Beauty, a tablespoon Batman, 2 cups Harry Potter, a dash of my life, and a pinch of The Wizard of Oz. Mix together, let simmer, and Enjoy!


This was a story my friend and I had to write for English class. It is a satire, which is basically a mock of a fairy tale. Lady Courtney is our English teacher, and Lady Burns is the assistant lady (i dont know what u call them!). wayne central is our school and the e wing is where our english class is. My name is Leanna, and my friend's is Justine.  
  
Disclaimer-I only own lady courtney and lady burns. please dont sue me for the batman, sleeping beauty, and harry potter characters  
  
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Sleeping Beauty- A Satire  
  
Once upon a time there lived a king and queen who longed to have a child. After many years their with came true, and the queen gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  
  
The king was beside himself with joy, and he planned a splendid feast in honor of his newborn daughter. He invited all his relatives and all the great lords and ladies of the kingdom.  
  
The king also invited the wizards and witches who lived in the kingdom. The kingdom extended from Wayne Central School District to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He hoped they would give his child their blessing.  
  
Now there were thirteen highly honored witches and wizards in the kingdom, but only twelve received invitations to the feast. Due to the fact that the king was very stupid and pompous, he forgot to send an invitation to the thirteenth. Because of this, the whole problem started. This angered many people greatly.  
  
The twelve witches and wizards came to the great celebration, and each presented his or her magical gift to the king's daughter. The first wizard, named Harry Potter, the hero of the Harry Potter book series by J.K. Rowling, who's books inspired movies, which inspired movie-themed action figures, gave the child the gift of always rescuing people and making lots of money. Hermione Granger, one of Harry's best friends, who is at the top of her class, bestowed the child a gift of knowing useless information. Ron Weasley, Harry's other best friend, and who is a rather thick-headed character when it comes to girls, gave the child the gift of obnoxious sarcasm. The fourth wizard, being the trio's arch nemesis Draco Malfoy, who somehow got invited, gave the child the gift of cold humor. And on it went, until the king's daughter had received every delightful, or not so delightful, talent and trait.  
  
But after the eleventh witch had given her gift, the thirteenth witch, Lady Courtney, stormed into the hall. Now usually Lady Courtney is a kind and gentle person but since she spent half her life trying to teach brainless idiots how to write critical lens essays she became a not so gentle and kind person. She was furious that she had not been invited to the feast. Without a word of greeting, she turned to the king and shouted in a harsh voice, "I, too, have come to give the princess a gift. On her fifteenth birthday, your daughter will prick herself on the needle of the cactus and fall dead, and she will twitch until her nerves die away!" And then she added to the king, "Thanks for nothing, you jerk!"  
  
Then the king went all like, "Don't go there, girlfriend!" with major peppy attitude  
  
And at that Lady Courtney turned and strode out of the palace while humming what mysteriously sounded like the song "I will survive."  
  
The queen began to sob, and the king turned an awful shade of green. This green was not a moldy green color, but a puke green color. But then the twelfth witch, Lady Burns, stepped forward.  
  
"I was going to give my gift to the princess, but then that horrible headache of a hag interrupted me," Lady Burns said, "and while I cannot undo the curse, I can soften it. Your daughter will not die when she pricks her finger. Instead, she will fall into a deep sleep that will last for as many years as it takes Wayne Central to get proper heating in the E wing." (Which we all know will be a very, very, very long time.)  
  
The king, who wished to save his beloved daughter from this fate, immediately ordered all the cactuses and needles in the kingdom to be hacked away at until they are chopped into tiny, eensey, weensey pieces.  
  
Years passed and the little princess grew. As the witches and wizards had promised she was heroic and sarcastic and clever, and each year she grew more charming and lovely. Everyone who knew her loved her and she passed her days happily in the kingdom.  
  
On the day of the princess's fifteenth birthday, her parents' presence was requested by a neighboring king. So they left the princess behind in the castle. "Now you must behave yourself while we are gone," her mother told her.  
  
"Of course," the princess promised.  
  
But the princess, being as stupid and dumb as she was, thought it would be a jolly good idea to merrily prance around the woods. "I will be able to wander around aimlessly, even though there was a curse put on me fifteen years ago," she thought, "and look at everything."  
  
And that day the princess amused herself exploring the woods. She followed every unused trail she could find and peered into the forgotten dusty tree stands.  
  
At last, she found herself at the foot of a tree with steps leading up. She climbed the steps until she came to an old wooden door. Since she had a bunch of useless knowledge all crammed into her head, she figured that the door needed a knock. But not just any knock. It would need a secret knock. Then she knocked once, clapped twice, and cawed like a dying goose.  
  
Inside, a very, very old woman sat in front of a cactus drinking its water. You see, this woman was very dehydrated. Why she was in a tree house, we do not know. Justine and Leanna are only telling the story. They do not question it. The princess had never seen a cactus and was very curious about it. The old woman was busily drinking water from the cactus. The cactus was glowing so brightly that the princess could not help exclaiming, "Yo, Grandma! What'chu doin' dawg?"  
  
"Hey," the old woman said, in precise ghetto slang. "I'm drinkin' some water from here in dis dangerous cactus. So you'll wanna drink some, too. So then you'll end up pricking your finger and fall into eternal sleep, so then the prince can come and kiss you."  
  
"PLOT SPOILER!" screamed the princess. "You're worse than Lady Courtney!"  
  
"Well, I wouldn't go that far," said one of the narrators, abandoning their narrating duties.  
  
"Hey! You jerk! Get back to explaining the story!" the princess shouted.  
  
Then she reached for cactus to get water, and in her eagerness she pricked her finger.  
  
"Oh!" she cried, letting go of the cactus. She suddenly felt very sleepy, and for a moment she was sure the old woman was laughing at her.  
  
"Yo, hommie," the princess cried. "You spoiled the story!" Within moments she had fallen into a deep, deep sleep.  
  
This sleep seemed to creep softly and silently though the woods to the castle like a quiet mist. The king and queen, who had realized that the neighboring king was just some low time jerk who wanted them to help pay for the sprinkler system, were returning home. They began to yawn just as the queen was insulting the interior to the other king's palace.  
  
"Did you see those pitiful paintings?" she asked the king. "I mean, come on, you must be drunk to want to put garbage like that on your walls." Suddenly her eyes began to close and her and the king sunk into a deep sleep (this was very fortunate for the king, who was always stuck listening to the queen's endless complaints, insults, and meaningless babble). The same thing happened to their courtiers and footmen and ladies-in-waiting, until the whole court had fallen asleep right where they stood.  
  
The guards at the palace gate, who were already sleeping, let their swords slide from their hands as they slipped into a deep sleep. The palace dogs and cats curled up and closed their eyes. The horses slumbered in their stables. The birds on the rooftop stopped chirping and tucked their heads under their wings. Even the fireflies stopped buzzing and lay still.  
  
In the kitchen, the cook feel asleep just as she was reaching for the fire extinguisher to put out a minor oven fire. So did the kitchen maid, who was basting some chickens in the George Foreman grill.  
  
Even the fire in the hearth stopped its crackling and died away. The wind outside stopped blowing. Soon the entire castle was quiet and covered with a blanket of sleep.  
  
Then thick, thorny vines sprang up around the castle. They grew and grew, higher and higher each day, until nothing could bee seen of the castle anymore- not its golden gates, or its high stone walls or the tops of its golden towers or even the bright flags, that showed pictures of giant apples.  
  
Finally the castle was completely covered by a thick screen of thorns.  
  
Across the land people spoke in rather loud shouts of the castle hidden behind the thorns. They screamed of the princess who lay inside the palace in a deep enchanted sleep, and they called her Sleeping Beauty. Although they did not know that the princess was actually a loud snorer and she did not look that pretty when she was asleep.   
  
Soon the princes from far and wide came to the castle. They longed to see Sleeping Beauty with their own eyes and tried to break through the thick, thorny vines.  
  
And while all these princes were brave and strong, none of them was ever able to hack though the enchanted thicket, the vines clung together so tightly that no sword could cut through them. Many a brave prince became trapped in the thorns and died. This was due to the well known fact that the hero had yet to come and save Sleeping Beauty.  
  
Many years passed (as in two hundred). One day, a handsome young prince came riding though the country near the kingdom. Everybody knows that is the prince who is going to save Sleeping Beauty because of fine introduction. He happened to hear an old man named Lil' Albus Dumbledore telling the story of the enchanted castle hidden behind the thorns. The prince knew that he should have asked why Dumbledore was not at his school, which was his normal day job, but since he knew it was for the sake of the plot that he should not get to many things mixed up in each other, as they already were. When the old man spoke of Sleeping Beauty, the prince felt a longing to see her.  
  
"Yo! Where's dis this crazy castle?" he asked the old man. "I need ta get there 'cause someone told me dat I need to save de princess and kiss her."  
  
"PLOT SPOILER!" yelled a near by voice from off-stage.   
  
Lil' Albus begged him not to go there. "Yo, dawg, I can see that you are brave," he told the prince. "But many peeps died tryin' to see dis Sleepin' Beauty chick."  
  
"Wait a minute! Cut the story, cut the story!" exclaimed the prince. "Lil' Dumbledore, I didn't know that you could speak Ghetto."  
  
"Shut up you fool!" whispered Dumbledore, in a perfect English accent. "It's for plot purposes! Plot purposes!"  
  
Then he told the prince how the great thorny vines closed so tightly around all who tried to pass that they could not escape.  
  
"I ain't afraid, ya old geezer," the prince replied. "I must see Sleeping Beauty, hommie!"  
  
"Word," said Lil' Dumbledore, and he sighed and told the prince the way to the castle.   
  
When the prince found the castle, the Janitors in the E - wing were almost finished with installing a new heater. The day had come when Sleeping Beauty was to awaken.  
  
As the prince approached the thicket, the beautiful roses suddenly bloomed on its branches. Then the branches parted to let him pass.   
  
As he was about to pass through, he met someone. No, it was not Superman. No, it was not the Hulk. It was not Spiderman.   
  
It was Batman (install dramatic super hero music here)! Someone coughs on-stage. Oh, yeah, and Batman's pantless sidekick, Robin.  
  
"Heeey!" the prince yelled, in a perfect mock of Joey Tribbiani, from Friends. "What are you doing here? This is my princess! Get your own, you big dumby." (That was inspired by some idiot in Lady Courtney's English class.)  
  
"I am George Clooney, er I mean, I am Batman! I am here to save the princess!" Batman said.  
  
"Me, too!" squeaked Robin, in an immature voice, sounding remotely like a young girl when she screams.  
  
"Yeah well I am the official hero!" shot back the prince.  
  
"Be quiet you big bully!" cried Robin.  
  
"Oh and yes my sidekick wears pants." Replied the Prince taking a glance at Robin.   
  
"Yeah well your sidekick does not even wear clothes!" said George er..um Batman, looking at the prince's noble steed.  
  
"You loser that is not my sidekick!" exclaimed the prince. "These are!"  
  
Then, out of nowhere, came a bunch of anonymous, brightly colored short people with high pitched voices, and they started to sing the familiar tune of "Ding Dong The Witch is Dead" and danced along in perfect unison.   
  
"Those are your sidekicks??" Batman asked.  
  
"Yes," replied the prince, striking up a charming, yet evil smile that stretched for miles across the galaxy. "And I know how to defeat you."  
  
"Oh yeah? Bring it on Prince" cried Robin.  
  
"It's already been brought!" said the prince. He smiled as he started to sing. "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!"  
  
"No!" screamed Batman, dropping on his hands a knees and looking up to the heavens. "WHY??"  
  
The prince continued as Batman and Robin shriveled up into prunes on the ground. "Batmobile lost a wheel, and Joker took ballet! HEY!"  
  
The prince rode through the castle gates, across the sleeping courtyard, and up to the palace. Leaving his horse, he walked through the throne room and past the sleeping king and queen. He noticed that the queen's mouth was widely opened, as if she feel asleep in mid-insult. In every hall and room he entered, not one living thing stirred. The castle was so quiet that the beating of the prince's heart sounded as loud to him as the beating of a drum.  
  
At last, he came to a small spiral staircase. Upon climbing it, he found a small wooden door. The prince realized that since this was a palace, the door probably needed a secret knock. He knocked once, clapped twice, and snorted a newborn pig, and pushed the door open. There lay Sleeping Beauty. By some unknown way, the princess was in the castle, but she had fallen asleep in the tree house with the Grandma. She lay on the bed as fast asleep as she had been for two hundred years. She was so beautiful that the prince could not help bending over to kiss her. But the prince must have had a rather bad sense of sight, because the princess was sort of ugly, due to the fact that she could not put on her zit cream before she feel asleep.  
  
At his kiss, Sleeping Beauty opened her eyes. The prince smiled at her. She gazed into his eyes. Then the gaze quickly turned into a stern glare. "WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?!  
  
"It is I," replied the prince. "Prince Charming. I have come to kiss and marry you."  
  
"What?? Why, you jerk! I can't marry you! I just met you! What's with your last name, too. Charming? What's with Charming? Oh, my goodness! Think about the PTA meetings. Think about our poor children! I could never do that. Besides, I've been asleep for God knows how long, how old are you?"  
  
"Well, why does it matter? We're in love, aren't we? Love lifts us up where we belong!" said the prince  
  
"Where? Some dump behind McDonalds?"  
  
"No, my love," answered the prince. "A place better than Cloud Eleven."  
  
Due to the plot, the princess had to marry the prince. As they walked, the castle sprang to life again. The horses in the courtyard neighed, the dogs barked, the cats purred, and the birds ruffled their feathers and chirped.  
  
The guards remained sleeping. And in the kitchen, the cook grabbed the extinguisher. The kitchen maid started turning the chickens in the George Foreman grill, while the fire crackled to life.  
  
The king and queen opened their eyes and looked around in surprise, as did their courtiers and footmen and ladies-in-waiting. Then, almost immediately, the queen started rambling on about the state of the other king's castle The prince asked Sleeping Beauty to be his wife, and she grumbled yes.   
  
"Oh, alright!" the princess sighed. "Its for the sake of the plot.  
  
Their wedding was celebrated that very day, and a more joyous wedding as never been seen. And ever after that the Sleeping Beauty and her prince lived very happily.  
  
Or did they? 


End file.
